Guilt

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Yesterday I worked for 10 hours.

It's a blessing to do what I love. 

I put up a giveaway post that I needed to.

Then a hair tutorial post.

I felt guilty.

It pushed Alex's story down.

I met my family for dinner at our favorite restaurant.

We had fun together.

I wanted to go see a movie after.

I couldn't.

I got upset that a simple thing like going to a movie is now an ordeal.

Then I felt guilty because if it affects me, how does it affect 

the victim's families and close friends?

I felt guilty because survivors have to somehow cope with what happened,

and that they experienced such horror

while I was safely sleeping.

I've been dealing with a lot of media wanting to speak to Ty about Alex.

It hurts me to see how overwhelmed he is.

He's done a lot to make sure his best friend's story and life

have  been made known and celebrated.

I told them he's done talking. No more.

My sister told me that she'll be flying in tomorrow night.

At first I got excited.

Then I felt guilty.

Is it okay to be excited to see my sister when they're coming in for Ty's best friend's

funeral?

I have tried to go through the day as normal.

But I keep thinking about the families

that have been affected

by one embarrassment of a man,

and I feel guilty for worrying about the

petty things that I've been consumed with.

I saw something that a politician wrote that made me want to literally punch him.

To scream in his face and tell him what an idiot he is.

I've seen things on twitter that people say about everything that happened

that makes my blood boil.

I've heard people complain that they are sick of hearing about the 

Batman massacre.

I've seen how these lives lost have now given a platform for a political debate

about gun control and who is doing what about it.

Every time I get madder and madder.

And then I feel guilty.

Because madness and hate and craziness is what started 

this pain in the first place.

And if my job is to choose love, I should be fired from it.

But then I feel like it is my job to be mad at these people

in order to stand up for the victims.

But I don't need to be another fuel in the fire.

And I. just. feel. guilty.

But just this second I realized something.

This evilness is all around us.

It's nothing new.

It's actually the very same reason I started what I'm doing

in the first place.

To be a light that outshines darkness.

And to help others ignite their own flames.

And I believe that when life is the darkest you have the most opportunity to shine.

It's the hardest time, but the time when you can get the brightest.

Guilt and fear and hate flicker out our light.

I think that's the whole purpose of darkness.

To make good people afraid,

and tired of trying,

and doubtful,

and most of all,

hateful.

Because if the good people feel those things,

then darkness wins.

But it can't win.

It just can't.

Because too many people need light.